It Comes in Waves

Like a river flows surely to the sea, Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be.

It Comes in Waves

I have been told by several people that grief comes in waves. One does not know exactly what that means until the waves crash into you. I was watching an awards show last night where a performer was singing a song about her father loving her first. Sure, songs about a father daughter relationship make me misty, but WOAH did I lose it. All I could think about was how my Mother will not come over anymore or comment on any future decision that I make. As annoying as my Mother could be or how big the fight could be, she was still my Mother. Now that she's gone, it's easier to focus on the happier times we shared together. We fought because we were similar. We enjoyed history and touring historical homes and places. I have yet to bond with anyone else on that level on this topic. There's a certain row of shops that she and I would go to. We wouldn't buy much, but we sincerely enjoyed going through each and every one. We would make a day of it. I would take a PTO day specifically for this outing. It was our favorite thing. My previous job had an office in walking distance of this street. The first time that I walked this street without her, I almost couldn't breathe. I was on the brink of a panic attack. I kept going back to get over it. I can now walk the street without breaking down, but the street has lost its appeal to me. I no longer crave going. Honestly, I won't plan another day to go there as it is not the same. 

My father asks us to come over, but I can't. The house is cold. It's no longer a home without my Mother bustling around in it. He understands. He is in no rush, but I don't see him remaining in that house on a long term basis. I wonder if the resistance to the home will pass with time. It's odd that I genuinely have no need to go there anymore. I never thought that would ever happen to me.

Last night, I had a wave. I have been dwelling on it. I'm at the office now, still unable to let it go. I wonder what she would be thinking on now. She wanted me to find a life partner. I did. She would probably be bothering us about more grandbabies. I want that, but it's almost lackluster knowing that she won't get to hold them. My sister was very lucky in that aspect. Tomorrow I will probably move on and go about my normal daily tasks. I'll sit in wait of the next wave.